He had a deadline to beat, so he came home late when his family was asleep. He went into the kitchen, warmed up his dinner that the wife had cooked, rice with beef stew. In a few minutes he was done and went to sleep, exhausted. He couldn’t even take his bath.
In the morning, he and his wife got up, after the shower, wearing robes, it was time to prepare for the day.
“Do you think I am your house help?
What is this?
How many times must I tell you never to leave used plates unwashed?
I wake up to an unwashed plate in the kitchen sink always. Can’t you even wash your plate after eating?
Must I always clean up after you have eaten?
Are you a baby?
You even used my favourite plate that I keep for visitors, can’t you use some of the ordinary plates I bought?
Aaarrrggghhh you have ruined my morning, I am so sick of being married to a man who can’t even follow simple instructions,” his wife shouted at him.
“What is this all about?” He asked looking at her surprisingly.
“What is this all about?” She ridiculed him. “Stop acting like you don’t know. This is about the mess you left in the kitchen last night.”
“Is this really about the dishes? Are you seriously talking to your husband like this because of a plate?” He shockingly asked?”
Their 6 year old child walked in on them in the kitchen.
His wife looked at the child then sneered at him and said, “We are getting late. The kids are also getting late for school.”
He gently grabbed her hand to lead her to the bedroom.
“My love, we need to talk,” he told her.
“We don’t have time! You have a deadline, I have an early morning meeting at work. The kids need to get to school. Stop rushing me,” she reluctantly said.
“Kids, prepare for school. Mummy and I will have a chat. We will join you to have breakfast then we will leave,” he told their three children.
“But daddy, we will get late for school,” said their first born.
“You have never been late, but today, there will be no harm getting to school slightly late. Don’t worry, I will personally talk to your teachers,” he said.
“Woop! Woop! You are the coolest dad,” cheered their naughty second born jumping on to the sofa as she turned on the TV.
The couple walked inside their bedroom. Closed the door.
He got her to sit on their bed and he knelt next to her, placing his hand on her lap.
“We are getting late,” she said with a cold tone.
He rubbed her waist and said, “Shhhhhhhhhhh, it doesn’t matter, this is important. I don’t want us to get caught up living life that we fail to address issues.”
“So there is an issue?” She asked.
“Yes, my dirty plate on the sink,” he said.
“Don’t worry, I will wash it,” she said it as she made attempt to get out from the bedroom.
He pressed her down to make her remain firmly seated.
He looked deep into her eyes as if searching for her soul. She felt naked before him.
“My wife, who hurt you in your past?” He asked.
“What do you mean?” She questioned.
“For the years I have married you, I notice you are easily irritable, you have this temper, this bitterness, this fear that erupts out of petty things,” he spoke.
“Oh, so you are saying I am petty? You think my reaction over what you did last night is petty? You think I am petty?” She erupted, sneering at him.
“See what I mean?” He said.
“I am not saying you are petty, I am saying you are easily irritated and angry. I am saying that your response to my dirty plate was cold and harsh, all you could have done was to correct me with love, instead, you attacked me, you crushed me over a dirty plate, you fought me over a thing. Why are you this angry?” He continued.
“No one is born angry and irritable. Anger, a hot temper is something we acquire as we live. It is our reaction to the circumstances that push us to fear, defensiveness and confusion. We acquire an angry temperament from our upbringing and the pain we collect along the way. So I want you to look inside you, your past and tell me, when did you start being so angry?”
“My love, open up to me. Let me in to the darkest corners of your past. Show me your scars. Who did this to you? Who introduced you to bitterness? When you open up, you release the pain and healing will start; but when you hide, when you pretend, when you act like you are okay, when you wear a fake smile; healing will evade you and you will take it out on your loved ones. You will find yourself shouting at me and the kids, taking out your frustration on us.”
“Racism, fear, tribalism, anger; all those are taught. All of us are born in the image of God and then the darkness of life creeps in through events and we become fearful and angry. Who did this to you? Who taught you how to be angry? Who made you feel like you have to fight alone, like no one is on your side?”
She began to cry.
She broke down in tears.
He hugged her. She broke down even more.
“I was raped. I was raped by my cousins. I was just a young girl,” she opened up.
She let him inside her darkest thoughts. She told him about how she was raped, her abortion when she was only 17 years that she did because she couldn’t face her parents, her questions about her father who was largely absent when she needed a father figure, how she was sexually harassed at work by her boss and no one believed her. She opened up about her fake friends, who were there only to use her until the day she chose to ride solo. She opened up about how she gave her body to a man who claimed to love her, only for the man to end up cheating on her and making her feel unworthy and not beautiful enough. She opened up about her struggle with self esteem, the nights she cried to sleep. She opened up about how she made mistakes that ended up costing her time, money and peace of mind, her struggle with pornography and alcohol while she tried to project an image of a godly woman yet she felt God was angry with her. She opened up about the nights she would wake up naked in bed with a man she didn’t love and how that made her angry with herself. She opened up about the five relationships she got into thinking they would last. In her first relationship she was used and dumped, in her second relationship she was physically abused, in her third relationship she was rejected because the man’s parents didn’t approve of her tribe, in her forth relationship she was cheated on and in her fifth relationship she was dumped the night before her wedding. She opened up about all her baggage.”
He wiped her tears.
“My love, that is a lot for one person to go through. Thank you for opening up to me. It will help me to love you better. When you open up, you release the burden. I now know better about where you are coming from,” he told her.
“I have never told a soul all these things,” she said clinging on to him.
“If you don’t tell me, who will you tell? Darling, this is what love is about. Taking your past, walking with you today and building with you our tomorrow. Many people think marriage changes things but actually marriage reveals things. In marriage that is when issues become unearthed. People use marriage as a cover up thinking it is a magic wand that will change lives. But when marriage is done in honesty, marriage become a place of healing because where there is love there is healing. With the help of God, my love will silence your fear, my love will redeem back your view of sex, my love will tell you the men you were with before me were wrong.
I will show you that you are a Queen deserving of the best of love. Love will heal you. Instead of taking things out on me, let me be love to you.
My love, stop fighting alone, stop fighting your inner wars alone. That was then, this is now. You have me. You are married to a man who has your best interest at heart. No more fear, no more anger. Okay? He told her.
She looked at his eyes and said, “I love you. I cannot believe after all the pain I went through, finally God brought me something good and I allow the hangover of my past to make me live with anger in my present.”
He kissed her and said, “Healing takes time but it will happen. It happens when you stop covering up your pain but become intentional about it.”
“I love you. I love you so much. You are a great husband. Thank you so
much,” she said.
“I love you too. We are in this together,” he told her.
“Please kiss me,” she requested.
They kissed and it was so passionate as never before. Indeed it was the healing kiss.
They prayed. And it was truly the healing prayer; with joy, love and oneness of heart.
They exchanged some laughs, joined their children with one love, peace and understanding as never before.
They had breakfast as a family in an atmosphere of great love. They drove to school and their respective places of work playing some cheerful music in the car and having family fun. The naughty second born, very characteristic of him, said:
“Today mummy is very happy and we are all happy too. Please dad we always want mummy to be happy.”
Did you get married without addressing the issues you went through in the past?
Are you an angry or a bitter person?
Don’t take your anger or bitterness into your marriage because it will tarnish the relationship between you and your spouse and your children and your entire family will suffer, more so, the children.
Many marriages have hit rocks because of this.
May you be healed from all the damages you went through along your path.
May your marriage be a place of healing.
We live in a hurting world. Support your spouse in his or her healing process.
Beautiful and promising marriages are broken everyday because of pain and bitterness bottled up. But if spouses open up to each other, things will get better.
*Philippians 2:1-3 “Therefore, if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort provided by love, any fellowship in the Spirit, any affection or mercy, complete my joy and be of the same mind, by having the same love, being united in spirit, and having one purpose.Instead of being motivated by selfish ambition or vanity, each of you should, in humility, be moved to treat one another as more important than yourself.”*
May God continue to bless and protect our marriages and relationships. Amen.
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